I’m at a time where I mostly get overwhelmed while i stare at my ceiling for some minutes for answers. Guess what? There’s no answer as I have to pick myself back up with no conviction to continue what I was doing before I stopped.
At this point, i am questioning the beliefs I once saw as core and unshakable, everything is blurry and my mind is constantly searching for answers as I navigate the twists and turns of life, unwilling to slow down.
What is the essence of our existence? What exactly are we supposed to be doing?
As I stare at my laptop unsure of my next move, in my heart I yearn to hear from God, he is the closest I have to being sane. I want him to sit with me, listen to me and tell me if I'm on the right path. I need him to hold my hands and assure me that this path will not be another trial and error. Life these days is literally paying your bills and fighting for your existence to keep paying those bills which is quite unfair.
In my conversation with a friend today, I talked about how I'm never free from overthinking every phase I'm in. I'm never free from philosophical inquisitiveness which I feel is both a blessing and a curse.
Lately, one question has been circling me like a restless ghost: does human existence carry an inherent purpose, or is purpose just an intricate illusion, a story we weave to soften the edges of our fleeting presence?
Perhaps we have draped the brevity of our lives in meaning, spun the certainty of our vanishing into poetry or something vain, so that when we stare into the vast, indifferent sweep of time, we feel less like dust in the wind In a bid to feel more meaningful.
Or maybe, just maybe, the relentless search itself is the purpose, our species forever reaching, forever grasping at something just beyond the edge of knowing. Crazy stuff!
In all of these, i think of you, my dear friend.
I wonder if you're eating well,if you have enough or if you're running on empty, pushing through exhaustion just to keep things from falling apart.
Do you ever scroll through Twitter, like I do, not really looking for anything, just trying to escape the noises in your head? Do you wake up with that same heaviness in your chest, unsure of what the day will ask of you?
Are you happy tonight? Does music or movies help you unwind, or do you lose yourself in books instead?
I don’t just wonder, I really, truly think about you.
Whatever you're carrying, I hope it’s not too heavy. If you’re tired, I hope rest finds you. If you’re lost, may clarity come softly, like sunlight easing through a window. If your heart aches, I hope warmth reaches the quiet corners of it. I hope you find joy in the little things of life so you eyes can lit up like a child at the slightest opportunity you get to enjoy them, may you be surrounded by people who truly love you. And if you're caught in the same looping questions, I hope at least one answer brings you peace.
As for me, I'm thankful for tears. As someone who finds crying embarrassing, I'm now able to cry. This eases the burden in my heart and saves me from heart palpitations. I've gone back to drown myself in books and music.
Thanks for reading my thoughts and for being here. Till you hear from me again.
